Emotional

I don’t know if anyone even noticed but I’m actually very emo recently. I haven’t talked to anyone about it until just minutes ago and it’s only through sms. If you don’t care you can just screw this post. I just want to express it all out. It’s just all about me so actually I doubt you’ll gain anything reading it. So unless you care it is advisable to skip this post.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot. About the past, what has been stopping me from achieving what I want in the past? On studies there’s nothing much about it. It’s just I didn’t want to put in effort. On co-curriculum, I’ve always wanted a chance to get a post but I never did. Why? It’s not that I’m not capable, but it’s that I’m afraid to speak up.

Coming closer to the present, I got the post I wanted. But because of the very reason I didn’t get my post there’s a lot of things I end up doing not well. Come to the present, I’ve improved a lot from what I’ve been but this very problem of mine still exists. Not only is it affecting the doing of works but also my social life. Actually my results of 5 A1 and 3 G9 may seem to be not much of a problem for me but the truth is it’s really given an impact on me. I’m still not getting over it until now. Every single time when people talk about trials results I seriously feel WTF. But I don’t know why I just cannot get myself to actually study. I really don’t know why.

Moving up to the future, the problem of not being able to speak up still exists and that will cause me to be unable to do many things. Another thing would be about my studies and career. I’ve planned out a few routes for myself but I have to consider a few things which are career opportunities, affordability, availability and also a few other factors. I really want to go study oversea because of the quality, availability and the acknowledgement of the degree they offer. But I don’t want to study oversea because I don’t want to leave Malaysia. Everything I have is here in Malaysia. And also, despite how I seem to be I actually think I’m pretty patriotic. I really feel an attraction on this country, my homeland. I want to stay here and also do something for it.

My MENSA IQ test gave me a result of IQ 180. So what? Yeah my mind is able to visualize, analyze and interpret more capably than other people. I’m able to catch many things more efficiently than others. I’m able to understand or learn many things easier than others. So what? I’ve been saying a lot about talent needs hard work but I’m the one who doesn’t put in the effort I need. I’m the one saying you to be confident in yourself and show people what you’ve got but I’m the one who is hiding behind my lack of self-confidence with some act. I’m the one who fear to speak out and tell people what I’ve interpreted out with my mind. I really don’t know how to overcome them. Aih….

Advice and doing are 2 different things